


Her Heartbeat is the Same

by Jubilee44



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Organ donor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6885592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jubilee44/pseuds/Jubilee44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint Barton is devastated after he loses his girlfriend Bobbi in a car accident. He gives up on life until he receives a letter from a very grateful Natasha Romanov.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

            Clint’s heart broke when Bobbi’s heart stopped beating.

            “Sir, can we look at that cut on your head?” A nurse knelt down in front of Clint who was crumpled up in the hall against the wall across from Bobbi’s hospital room. Well, at least it was the room her body was in, Bobbi wasn't there anymore. 

            “I’m fine.” He replied gruffly. He didn’t care if he was hurt, so what if he was bleeding? The stupid car crash didn’t kill him it killed his girlfriend. Now he was left with the shattered remains of his life. Bobbi was everything to him. She made him laugh, comforted him, she gave him a reason to live through all the tough times he encountered. But now he had nothing. If she was gone there was no one to give him hope and there wasn’t a reason for him to wake up anymore.

            “Sir, we’re afraid there might be glass in the cut, please just let us clean it up so you don’t get an infection. It won't take more than a second.” The nurse begged softly.

            Clint stood up stiffly. “Fine.” He mumbled and tried to wipe at his eyes. Bobbi was dead anyways so there wasn’t a reason to stick around outside the hospital room. They would cover her up and that was it, her identity was gone.

            “I’m sorry about your girlfriend.” The nurse said gently. “I know that can be hard.”

            Clint knew they were trained to do stuff like this but he didn’t care for any of it. “Not your fault.” He mumbled. He hoped she took it as a hint to leave him alone about it. She did and he sat quietly staring at the blood pressure machine hooked to the wall. He was lucky he didn’t see Bobbi dead. Of course she was unconscious from the second after he found her next to him in the smashed car. But her heart was still beating. It wasn’t until after he arrived at the hospital in a separate ambulance did they tell him she hadn’t made the trip. He should’ve been driving, then he’d taken the impact of the guardrail, maybe then she’d be okay. But she’d insisted that she drive back home.

‘You’re too tired, just let me drive, I don't mind’.

            He should’ve just said no. But now she was dead and he was forced to live with that guilt for the rest of his natural life. For a moment he realized he couldn't have known but that wasn't a good enough excuse. 

 

            Bobbi’s family was never close to Clint. They were too strict for his taste and they didn’t approve of their lawyer daughter dating an artist. So it wasn’t a surprise that they took over all the funeral arrangements and left him out of any decisions. He didn't mind too much, it was their decisions, not his. He’d go to the service; it might be his last chance to be close to her again. But for the time between her death and the funeral, Clint was left to face the world alone. The first morning he woke up in a cold bed was one of his worst. He half expected Bobbi to already be up, but it was unlikely seeing as she would always sleep well through the alarm. The whole atmosphere around him seemed to be silent, the noise surrounding him was muffled and he couldn't process anything. 

            As the days went on the expectation of seeing her around wore off. It sank in that he wouldn’t see her smile again; her blonde hair, and serious eyes that always had a glint of mischief in them. Clint knew that he would give anything to even fight with her as long as it meant seeing her alive. He wished he hadn’t taken her for granted; wish he hadn’t left when she started to yell. Had he known, he would’ve stayed for every fight. 

          

            After the funeral, Clint didn’t have any emotions left to give the world. He was so tired from all the feelings he had to face in those hours. He saw Bobbi lifeless for the first and only time. Her eyes were closed, skin pale, but she looked beautiful still. All the stitches and wounds were hidden away to put on the illusion that the accident hadn't even happened. It was like she'd fallen asleep and never woke up.

He went through the door holding yesterday’s mail he’d left on the table. He had to deal with the real world now; it didn't stop just because the sun went down. His body felt numb and every thought about life was bleak. Normally his mail was just bills but interestingly enough there was a handwritten envelope. He didn’t recognize the address or the name but decided to open it anyways. He unfolded the lined paper as he took off his coat and sat down on his couch.

             _Dear Mr. Barton,_

_My name is Natasha Romanoff, and I know we’ve never met but I wanted to thank you and the Morse family. I am terribly sorry for your loss of Bobbi but because of her I was given another chance at life. Because of Bobbi’s generosity as an organ donor I was able to have a heart transplant and fortunately it was successful. I’ll be forever grateful for Bobbi and I wanted to let you know how thankful I am._

_Thank you so much,_

_Natasha Romanov_

 

            It took Clint days to work up the courage to write back to the woman. He went through different stages that were all confusing to her. He wasn’t sure he knew Bobbi was an organ donor. Her parents didn’t mention it but they hadn’t said much to him after the accident anyways. Sure he was glad this other woman could be helped but at the expense of his girlfriend’s life? Clint would much rather have Bobbi back than have this stranger alive, as harsh as it sounded. He was still mourning her loss of course and he felt no one deserved life as much as Bobbi did, not even him. But as confusingly angry he was, Clint wrote back. He knew Bobbi would be angry at him if he didn’t.

           

            _Dear Miss Romanov,_

_Thank you for your letter of condolence. Bobbi was a wonderful woman. She would give anything to help another person in need so I suppose that is her legacy to the world. I am glad the transplant was successful and I hope you heal quickly._

_Clint Barton_

He thought that was the last he would hear from the woman but it seemed she was so thankful she couldn’t thank him enough. She sent another letter and then a holiday card once December rolled around. It was the first time Clint actually saw her. It was a picture of her and a few nurses who seemed to be close to her. They must’ve been the ones who helped her through her recovery. She looked fairly healthy, her skin was pale and her cheekbones showed but Clint wouldn’t have any other prior knowledge to how she looked before. What stood out the most was her sharp red hair and alluring green eyes.

            Clint wasn’t sure what he was expecting her to look like. He hadn’t pictured her in his head. The only thing he could see was Bobbi’s heart beating in her chest. He stared at the picture for a few minutes as he processed his thoughts. _Bobbi would’ve torn out her heart herself if she knew this young woman was in danger of losing her life, you know that._ It was the only thing that kept Clint optimistic. Bobbi, the girl who volunteered almost every weekend, would scold him for being so selfish. _She deserves to live just as much as we all do._

            Clint wrote back.


	2. Chapter 2

            They met up for the first time after a few months of correspondence. They agreed on a coffee shop as a place to meet. Apparently Natasha lived out in upstate New York but her family had to stay in a hotel in the city while she was getting the operation. Now they’d moved back but she’d lingered in Manhattan because she had become accustomed to the noise and energy. She was glad too because she wouldn’t have wanted to drive into the city to meet Clint.

           

            Clint was nervous as he waited for his espresso. He wasn’t sure what he was getting into, meeting a complete stranger. Well, they had talked a lot through letters so was that any different from emailing or texting? Maybe…but she _did_ send a picture so that was enough evidence for him that she existed. But that was just a smiling face, not a reflection on her personality. She could be insane and stalk him.

            Natasha was even more nervous because she knew even less about Clint than he knew about her. She told her friends where she’d be and the place was public so she shouldn’t be too concerned right? Her mother always warned her to be careful around people she didn’t know but at the same time she expected her daughter to go out and date. How was this any different? _Because his girlfriend is dead and_ you _benefitted from it._ Natasha sighed and walked into the coffee shop with anxiety.

            Clint recognized her right away because of her stunning hair. She looked less sickly than she did in the Christmas card but she was still pale and thin. Her green eyes scanned around the café. Clint cleared his throat and waved her over to the counter. “Natasha?”

            She seemed to sigh in relief when she noticed him. He looked normal enough; she supposed that could change though. She approached him no matter how jittery she was. “Clint, it’s nice to meet you.” She said in a soft-spoken way.

            Clint noticed how different she sounded from Bobbi. His late girlfriend was always the one who spoke her mind and didn’t care who heard or listened. It was like he almost expected her to be exactly like Bobbi because of…well because of the heart. “It’s nice to meet you too, do you want something? It’s on me.”

            Natasha shook her head. The poor man had given enough. “I’ll be alright, thank you.” She went to order and pay for her own coffee.

 

            Once they got their coffees, they sat down in a quieter part of the shop. It was hard to know where to start so Natasha decided to tell him her story.

            “I was born with congenital heart disease. They thought I’d be alright, as long as I took medication and frequent checkups.” Natasha looked down at her mocha coffee. “I’m used to hospitals and doctors. Again, they thought I’d be okay but something started to not work and…well I guess my heart started to fail. My parents thought they were going to lose me but thankfully we got news that there was a heart available.” She glanced up at him.

            “That was the same night of the accident?” Clint assumed.

            Natasha nodded. “I read about it in the paper when I woke up from surgery, that’s where I got your name. I-I felt terrible knowing that there was some poor guy out there who had lost his girlfriend. And then of course I had her heart and was still alive.”

            “I was thinking the same thing.” Clint admitted. “It was hard to process at first.” He rubbed his eyes as if the exhaustion returned the instant he talked about it again. “I loved Bobbi more than anything and I still value who she was as a person. She believed everyone deserved a second chance. She gave me more than just one-second chance. She supported my career as an artist even though sometimes it looked like I wasn’t going anywhere. If she knew you needed her heart she would give it to you.” He said truthfully, looking into Natasha’s eyes so she knew he was being honest.

            “That’s…that’s good to know.” Natasha caught herself staring and cleared her throat. “So you’re an artist?” She asked in interest.

            “Oh…uh yeah I guess you could call me that.” Clint shrugged. “What about you?” He stuttered when he realized there probably wasn’t a lot she could do while she was waiting for a healthy heart.

            “I was a ballerina.” Natasha shrugged sheepishly. “My mother never wanted me to be one because she thought I was too fragile but I made it. Then everything went downhill and I could barely walk let alone dance a production. I miss it so much…” Her green eyes went dreamy and Clint could almost see the stage she was dancing on as she remembered it in the moment.

            “Maybe you’ll make it back.” Clint said positively. “If the transplant was a success right?”

            Natasha’s glassy eyes returned to normal and she nodded. “I hope so. I’ve got to get my strength up though. I’m still so tired.”

            Clint stirred his coffee a bit. “Well, if you ever need anything, I’m always here.” He said gently. “I know we don’t know each other well but…Bobbi brought us together.”

            Natasha felt tears in her eyes. “She must have been a wonderful woman.” She said softly.

            “She was…it’s a shame things had to end up like this.”


	3. Chapter 3

            By then it was clear that Natasha and Clint were a part of each other’s lives for good. Clint couldn’t look at a picture of Bobbi without subconsciously thinking about Natasha. And Natasha kept all of his letters in her desk drawer. They met a few times over the next six months at the same coffee shop.

            Clint was happy to see her become more and more healthy every time they met up. It made him feel more confident that it’s what Bobbi would’ve wanted.

 

            “When are you going to show me some of your art?” Natasha asked out of the blue one day.

            She and Clint were walking down the sidewalk after getting lunch together. He glanced over at her in surprise. “I never knew you wanted to see any of it.” He said shyly. “It’s nothing too exciting.”

            Natasha rolled her eyes. “I think you’re just being modest.” She replied. “Please, I really want to see.” She begged with a small smile.

            “Alright, alright.” Clint said with a laugh. “There’s a gallery in Harlem that has some of my work.” He said.

            “No, not the work that you show to everyone.” Natasha shook her head. “I want to see the stuff that you hide.” She clarified.

            “And why would I show the stuff you hide?” Clint asked with a raised eyebrow. “That’s stuff I hide…”

            “But you could show me.” Natasha said. “I mean we’re sort of friends right?” She asked curiously.

            “Well…yeah of course.” Clint nodded. “That’s a silly question.”

            “No!” Natasha laughed softly. “I just wanted to make sure. I didn’t want to be like…stalking you or something.” She shrugged.

            “You’re not, we’ve been going out together for a while, why wouldn’t I think of you as a friend?” Clint looked over at her for a moment.

            Natasha’s green eyes were looking straight ahead as she walked. “I don’t know…” She said. “I just…wanted to know.”

            Clint nodded and put a hand in his pocket. “Well now you know.” He shrugged.

            She smiled up at him. “Now that we’re friends, you need to show me some of your art that you hide.” She told him like it was a well-known fact.

            Clint finally nodded. “Alright, my apartment’s a few blocks away, you can see my studio.” He agreed.

            Natasha grinned and nudged his arm. “I knew you wanted to.”

            “I don’t _want_ to, it’s not great stuff. That’s why it’s not in a gallery.” Clint pointed out. “My best work is in galleries because other people liked it enough to put it on a wall.”

            “Nah, the stuff you hide is the best because it’s who you really are deep down.” Natasha corrected him.

            “That was pretty poetic.” Clint said. “Maybe you should drop ballet and pick up poetry instead.”

            Natasha shrugged. “Maybe.” She’d been going back to the company where she’d danced before and they welcomed her to watch and try her best and working back up to where she was. Too much activity would cause her to lose her breath and she had to sit down. But, she was just happy to put her ballet shoes back on again. It made her feel like she was truly recovering. It made her feel like there was a hope for one day. Maybe she could stand in the spotlight and dance again.

 

            “Sorry about the mess.” Clint apologized as he opened his apartment door. His yellow lab came bounding up to him, barking happily. “Lucky, no, down.” Clint scolded. “Sorry…he likes new people.”

            “You didn’t tell me you had a dog.” Natasha’s eyes lit up and she bent down to scratch the dog’s ears. “He’s gorgeous, are you a good boy?” She cooed.

            Lucky licked her cheek and wagged his tail. “Alright, give her some room to breathe.” Clint pulled the dog away by his collar. “Go lie down.” He instructed. Lucky looked a little disheartened but listened and went to his bed in the living room.

            Natasha walked into the apartment looking around. There were a few pieces hanging up but none revealed too much about Clint.

            “That’s not my stuff, it’s some friends’ from college.” Clint clarified. He gestured for her to follow him and opened a door.

            It looked like it had been a greenhouse at one point. There was glass circling the balcony that brought in natural light. Natasha expected easels and canvases to be set up everywhere but for the most part it was empty.

            Clint saw her confusion and lightly turned her around by her shoulders. Natasha’s eyes widened and she gasped. The back walls of the room weren’t glass; it was covered in an intricate mural. “Clint…this is beautiful.” She said softly and walked closer to examine the smaller bits.

            Clint put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Can’t put it in a gallery, so it’s just a hobby.” He admitted.

            Natasha walked slowly to bring in every inch of the mural. It seemed like every color was used and she had stepped into Clint’s mind. Tiny little scenes played out among swirling shapes and patterns. She stopped when she saw a scene painted out in red that depicted a car crash.

            Clint noticed where she was looking and looked down. “Oh yeah…not the best moment for me. I kind of was out of control.”

            Natasha noticed the slash like strokes and the small pieces chipped out of the wall like he’d thrown something at it. Next to the crash was a portrait of Bobbi. Natasha carefully touched the bottom of her blonde, feathery hair. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

            “Don’t…please, don’t.”

            “No, Clint, I feel like there’s so much I need to say and apologize for…”           

            “You shouldn’t apologize for being alive.” Clint walked a bit closer to her. “You didn’t know and even if you did, why would you reject a second chance at life?” He asked.

            “Because she wasn’t given one.” Natasha’s eyes were glued to Bobbi’s face painted on the wall. “Who’s to say I deserved a second chance more than she did?”

            “I don’t know…God, maybe, whoever’s up there.” Clint shook his head. “I don’t know, Nat, but that’s not for us to decide.”

            “I really fucked with nature. I should’ve died.” She replied quietly.

            “Nature doesn’t exist in the city as far as I’m concerned.” Clint said. “C’mon,” he held out a hand to her, “this is only making you more upset.”

            Something made Natasha want to stay and force herself to look but it was making her sick to her stomach. She took his hand and followed him out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

            Clint didn’t know what to think of his relationship with Natasha. Part of him didn’t want to get too close to her. Something made him afraid that he’d lose her like he lost Bobbi. But there was something about Natasha that made Clint stick around. She could tell him stories that he could listen to for hours. And she could stay completely silent and make him feel at ease. She seemed to balance him out. He was having fewer depressive thoughts about Bobbi’s death and had a more positive outlook on life.

           But he still had the nightmares about the crash. They were frequent and so real, Clint was terrified of sleeping most nights. But he tried to face his fears and one night went to bed early.

           

            _“Tomorrow we’ll go to the grocery store, if you’re up to it. I want to make my mom something for her birthday.”_

_“Yeah of course.” Clint looked over at Bobbi for a second and smiled at her. He yawned and rested back in the front seat._

_“See I told you. You were too tired to drive. I’m always right…”_

_Clint heard the squeal of the tires and Bobbi’s scream. His heart nearly leapt of his chest as he felt the car flip. He wanted to call to his girlfriend but he felt like his lungs didn’t have any air._

He woke up right before the car hit the ground. He gasped and jolted up to a sitting position. “Bobbi!” He cried out hoarsely. His chest heaved as he tried to sort out where he was and what was happening. When he saw he was in his dark bedroom, Clint’s racing heart started to calm down. He swallowed and ran a hand over his face. “Shit…” He muttered under his breath.

            Lucky stood up from his bed in the corner of the room and went to check on his owner. The Labrador rested his chin on the edge of the bed and looked up at Clint curiously.

            “I’m fine, buddy.” Clint assured him and scratched the top of the dog’s head. He reached for his cell phone and stared at the bright screen for a second. There were no messages, no missed calls, nothing. He wished someone would be awake for him. Bobbi was always up for him when he needed her. If he called, she was there to answer. Clint went through his contact list and chose Bobbi’s number. The phone rang and he held his breath.

            Of course she didn’t answer, the line disconnected. Clint closed his eyes and felt the worry of being alone creeping up on him.

            On a whim, he called Natasha. He wasn’t sure if she would answer and he started to regret it when he realized there was a chance she _would_ answer. He was about to hang up.

            But she answered.

            “Hello?” She didn’t sound tired at all and Clint was surprised to hear her so awake in the middle of the night.

            “Hey…uh sorry…I didn’t mean to call…”

            “Are you sure?” Natasha smiled. “Is something wrong?” She asked gently.

            Clint sighed deeply and ruffled his hair. “I just…I couldn’t sleep after a stupid dream. I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have called you so late.”

            “It’s okay, I was up anyways. Tell me what your dream was about.” Natasha coaxed softly. “I want to help.”

            Of course there was a reason he called Nat, because he trusted her. But he wasn’t so keen on burdening her especially all the things she’d gone through. “Why are you up?”

            Natasha knew he was avoiding the question but she decided to humor him until he would tell her the truth. “My medication is keeping me up.” She answered. “I’m not tired, I’ll fall asleep in a little bit.”

            “Oh…okay.” Clint nodded. “Sorry…that must suck.”

            Natasha laughed quietly. “It’s fine, I’ll be alright.” She assured him. “Now tell me what’s kept you awake.” She replied.

            Clint bit the inside of his cheek. “It was just a nightmare about the crash. Look, it’s really nothing; I’ve had it before. It’s just a dream, I’ll survive.” He tried to brush it off as nothing.

            Natasha was quiet for a bit. “Before I had the surgery I had nightmares that I only had a few minutes to live. It was so nerve wracking because I had so many things I needed to do. I had so many things I needed to say to the people I loved. But I didn’t have enough time. After the transplant I still had the same dream almost every night. But…I stopped having them when I met you. You entered a new chapter for me and made me feel like there wasn’t a reason for me to be afraid anymore. Being in that state of fear was over, I had better things to look forward to. I don’t want you to forget Bobbi. I want you to forget about the crash. Remember the beautiful, lovely memories you had with her instead.”

            Clint closed his eyes tightly. “She could never make it through a movie when we watched one at home together. She’d…she’d make all this popcorn and buy candy. She’d eat most of the food and then just fall asleep on the couch.” He laughed weakly.

            “Exactly, that’s what you need to do.” Natasha encouraged.

            Clint sighed and felt exhausted. “Thank you, Natasha.” He said gratefully. “You…I really needed to talk to someone.”

            “No problem.” Natasha smiled. “I’m happy to help. Thank you for talking to me.” She said back.     

            Clint held the phone tightly. He wanted to fall back asleep but something made him want to stay talking to her.

            “Did you fall asleep?” Natasha asked playfully.

            Clint smiled. Her voice was becoming more familiar to him and it was soothing. “No, but I am tired.” He admitted. “I’m just afraid to fall asleep and…”

            “Think of the best memory you have with her.” Natasha interrupted him. “No bad memories, no bad dreams, okay?”

            Clint nodded to himself. He soaked in all her advice hoping it would work. “I’ll do my best.” He promised.

            “Text me in the morning. Get some sleep.” Natasha murmured. “Good night Clint.”

            “Night, Natasha.” He replied and reluctantly set his phone down on the nightstand. He rested back into the pillows and closed his eyes. _Happy memories…no bad dreams._


	5. Chapter 5

            “Just sit still, you're moving too much.”  
            Natasha giggled and brushed her hair out of her face quickly. “It’s hard not to!” She looked over at Clint who was sitting on the grass across from her. "It's not natural to just sit still and pose."   
            A week or so after Clint showed Nat his mural; he shyly asked to sketch her. She agreed after protesting that she wasn’t pretty enough to be drawn. But he had insisted that she was beautiful and perfect to be drawn.  
            Clint shifted the sketchbook on his lap and glanced up at Natasha. She was wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a loose-fitting tank top. Her red hair tumbled out in long waves over her shoulders and caught the bright sun rays. She was blushing because of the attention he was giving her and her green eyes kept looking down to avoid getting too nervous. She would fidget every so often when she noticed him staring.   
            Clint chuckled. “It’s alright, it’s not like I’m filming you or anything.” He said. “Just relax or it’s not going to look natural.”  
            “Alright, alright.” Natasha took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders. “Better? Do I look natural?” She asked with a small hint of laughter in her voice.   
            Clint smiled at her. “Yeah that’s fine.” He got to work sketching out lines to capture Natasha’s beauty. He took a half an hour to be satisfied with the sketch but even then he could see every flaw with it. “So…I’ll paint this later.” He said brushing aside some eraser shavings and analyzed every line. “Then if you want it…I don't mind giving it to you."   
            “Nah, you keep it.” Natasha stood up and knelt down next to him to look. “Oh my God…Clint, it’s beautiful. Wow...I just...I don't know what to say” She said quietly. It was like she was staring at a mirror made out of pencil.  
            “Are you sure? It could use a lot of work…Ill put some work into it tonight.” Clint said and quickly fixed a minuscule line that he thought looked out of place.  
            “You’re too hard on yourself. It is perfect and I feel kind of odd saying that because it’s of me. But it’s obvious that it’s me…you’re that good of an artist.”  
            “Why?” Clint looked up at her. “You’re beautiful and honestly, the perfect model.” He said without hesitating. He looked over at her and smiled slightly.  
            Natasha returned the smile and leaned in closer to him. She couldn't help it anymore after the weeks of seeing him. She couldn't deny the fact that she had feelings for him. And she was willing to put it all on the line just to show him. She pressed her lips to his and softly kissed him.  
            Clint tensed up when he realized what was happening. He jerked away and felt his heart pounding in his chest. It was like he’d stepped over a cliff and couldn’t help but just sit and watch himself fall. “I have to…I should….” Clint stumbled to stand up and get his things together.  
            “Wait, Clint…I’m sorry.” Natasha looked crushed when she realized he didn’t exchange the same feelings as she did. Her stomach tensed up and she felt like crying out of embarrassment.  
            “Don’t worry about it.” Clint said hurriedly and dropped his sketchbook. “I just have to leave, I for-forgot about som-something.” He rubbed the back of his neck and turned away from her. He quickly took off so he didn’t have to face her. She wasn’t Bobbi…he couldn’t kiss her and that was being unfaithful to her. It didn’t matter if she was gone, he couldn’t kiss someone else. He loved Natasha but she was just a friend to him. Of course...he would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy the brief moments of her kissing him.   
            Natasha picked up his sketchbook and held it out to him but he was gone before she could say anything. Her shoulders drooped and she looked down. “Stupid 'Tasha, you shouldn’t have done that.” She scolded herself sternly. “Stupid…stupid…stupid.”  


	6. Chapter 6

   
            “I just wanted to uh….”  
            “I didn’t mean for it to um…”  
            “I wasn’t thinking about…”  
            “I shouldn’t have done that and…”  
            Natasha felt like beating her head against the wall out of frustration. Her phone was clutched in her hand and Clint’s contact was pulled up on the screen, taunting her. She couldn’t get herself to call him though even though she knew she had to. Her stomach was still churning from the embarrassment of what happened earlier in the park. She couldn’t believe she had kissed him like she thought he was falling for her too. She felt like such an idiot and wanted to apologize to Clint. But the words weren’t coming out right. She shook her head and put her phone down. She felt like she had ruined the one good thing going for her.  
            “Why couldn’t you have just accepted him as a friend and lived with it? You just had to make it worse for yourself.” She muttered to herself. She just wanted the kind man to stay in her life. He was someone to confide in, someone to spend time with, someone to make her remember how precious life was, and now she had screwed it all up. Screwed up something that made her life so whole again.   
            Of course she had been falling for him. He was so caring and friendly it was hard not to. But she had to remember what he was going through still. Natasha knew you didn’t recover from an accident at the blink of an eye. She was still recovering from the surgery so it was no wonder Clint would still be mourning Bobbi’s death. And now she’d gone and kissed him like she didn’t even care about Bobbi. Natasha felt like she’d disrespected the woman who had given her life and it made her want to throw up.  
   
            “It’s not that I didn’t…”  
            “Look, I know that…”  
            “We both…”  
            “Goddammit.” Clint muttered and threw his phone on the couch. He couldn’t work up the courage to call Natasha. He couldn’t get the scene at the park out of his mind. He kept replaying it over and over again and felt like such an asshole. He rubbed his eyes and sighed deeply.  
            “Alright, c’mon, Clint, just apologize.” He muttered to himself. “You know you did wrong and you need to apologize.” He grabbed the phone and dialed Natasha’s number before he could psyche himself out again.  
   
            Natasha saw her phone light up and her stomach knotted up in anxiety. She stared at the phone for a moment until she forced herself to pick it up. “H-Hello?”  
            “Hey…uh…can we talk?” Clint sat down and rubbed his eyes.  
            Natasha swallowed and nodded. “Yeah…about what?” Of course she knew what it was about, but she didn’t want to start the conversation about the kiss. She felt too embarrassed to.  
            “Look, about what happened in the park, I was wrong to leave. I should’ve talked to you about it first.” Clint said regretfully. "It was rude..."   
            “It’s alright, I shouldn’t have done it to begin with. I just…forgot myself in the moment.” Natasha tried her best to explain her mistake.  
            “No…don’t apologize. I mean, we have been getting closer but I’m just not ready for anything yet.” Clint replied gently.  
            “I understand completely, honestly, don’t worry about it at all.” Natasha said. “You’re just very kind, Clint, and I cherish our friendship. You’ve helped me through my recovery process and that’s more than I could ask from anyone. It was a silly mistake, I hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship.” She couldn’t help but ignore the quizzical feeling of dread in her heart. She felt like she was lying blatantly to him. She knew it wasn’t a mistake, she kissed him because she wanted to, she thought he was an amazing person who she cared for deeply. But he was still mourning Bobbi, she felt terrible for taking advantage of him.  
            “Of course, I still see you as a friend too and I always will.” Clint said honestly. “It wouldn’t ruin our relationship.” He looked down at the floor. He wasn’t sure why he felt so heavy. They were working things out, they would stay friends, wouldn’t that be a good thing? “I just…uh…I don’t know what I was just going to say. Sorry, I'll think of it.” He chuckled nervously.  
            “It’s alright, I can let you go if you’re busy.” Natasha said sensing some discomfort in his voice.  
            “Oh…yeah.” Clint checked the time and realized he had nothing to do. But he thought maybe she was busy and wanted to be polite. “I’ll text you to set up another date…uh coffee date, if you'd like.” He corrected himself quickly. "I'll probably have your portrait painted by then, that's what I was going to say...I forgot..." His voice trailed off awkwardly.   
            Natasha bit her lip and felt tears in her eyes. She tried to inhale normally so she didn’t sound like she was going to burst out into tears. “Right…of course.” She tried to sound cheerful. “Bye.” She hung up the phone as fast as she could.  
            “Oh...uh...bye…” Clint said a second after he heard the click of the line disconnecting. He felt even worse than before the phone call. He felt like he was leaving the poor woman on and tried to think of a solution. Maybe it would be best to leave her alone.  
   
            On the other end, Natasha put her head in her hands and started to cry out loud. The last time she cried, her heart was failing and she didn’t think she would receive a transplant. Then she was scared, and then she was heartbroken. She had latched onto Clint because she was feeling weak and wanted to apologize for everything she felt she needed to, taking his girlfriend’s heart, her death, and all the pain he went through. Maybe none of it was her fault, but she felt like it was. Now she had screwed everything up with the man she cared for so deeply it hurt.


	7. Chapter 7

Clint woke up knowing the day could be one of his worst. He had to tell Natasha the news, and it wasn’t going to be easy.  
   
            Weeks had gone by and Clint had grown distant from Natasha. It was one of her worst fears. She had latched onto Clint so much so that she was afraid of losing him. So when he called to go out with her, she was relieved. But, something inside of her said something was wrong. Clint’s voice had sounded off and it seemed like he was dreading the meeting.  
            Either way they both showed up to the park. Clint couldn’t help himself and hugged Natasha when he saw her walk up.  
            Natasha smiled slightly and hugged him back. “Hi, was there something you wanted to talk about?” She wondered if it still had to do with the kissing accident even though so much time had passed. They had never brought it up again after the phone conversation they’d had and for the most part it seemed like it was settled. But of course deep down, both were still grasping for an explanation to the feelings they were having for one another.  
            “Yeah…” Clint drew away from the hug and sat down on a bench. Natasha sat down next to him and looked expectantly at him. “So I got a job opportunity to do some logos for a company.” He said.  
            Natasha smiled. “That’s great!” She said genuinely. “Where’s the company? Are you going to get your own office and everything?” She asked playfully.  
            “Actually yeah.” Clint tried to smile but he couldn’t get himself to. “They want me to go out to California.”  
            Her smiled faded like a dying star. “Wow, that’s far. So…they want you to move out there? Permanently?”  
            “I guess permanently.” Clint rubbed the back of his neck. He looked down at his hands resting in his lap. He couldn’t look at her it was pure torture. “I mean I’ll have to see how it goes.”  
            “That’s…great, really, I mean you get to do what you love and that’s great. I’m sure you’ll do great there and California is great…” Natasha couldn’t find another word but ‘great’. Maybe it was because she didn’t mean a word of it. Inside she felt like her foundation was cracking. Clint was all she knew after her surgery. She was a new person and he was there to see that. He was one of her best friends and knowing he wouldn’t be there made her…she didn’t know what to feel.  
            Clint forced himself to glance up at her even for a second. Seeing her green eyes in so much pain made him feel like the world’s worst villain. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I just…I can’t stay here. I don’t know what to think about Bobbi, I don’t know what to think about you, and I just can’t stand this city anymore.” He felt sick to his stomach. “It’s too familiar and I need a change of scenery.”  
            Natasha didn’t want to talk. She felt like if she did she would start crying and that was the last thing she wanted to do in front of him. “We all do sometimes.” She said steadily. “It’s okay…I understand.” She didn’t but she couldn’t beg for him to stay.  
            “I’m leaving next month…I don’t even know what to do about my apartment or anything.”  
            Natasha knew he was talking about the mural. “I’ll take it.” She said.”  
            “What?” He gave her a confused look.    
            “I want to move into the city.” She explained. “Upstate is getting too familiar.” She used his own words to try to make him understand. “I won’t paint over the mural so…if you ever come back it’s there for you.”  
            Clint didn’t know what to say. But of course that was the type of kindness he expected from her. He reached over and hugged her close.  
             
            A month later, Clint was gone. His apartment was in Natasha’s name now and it was empty. Her stuff still sat in her mother’s house in upstate New York. She didn’t know when she was going to move it; she just knew she needed time.     
            Natasha walked into the greenhouse with a deep sigh. She examined the paintings and reached the newer side of the wall. There was a coffee cup painted with Natasha’s name on it. Next to it was a cascading waterfall of red paint and a heart etched into the wall. Natasha gently outlined the heart and wondered why Clint hadn’t painted the heart. Instead it looked like he took a screwdriver or something and dug right into the wall. It was a bit crooked and wasn’t a clean line.  
            Natasha put a hand over her chest and felt Bobbi’s heart beating. It was Clint’s conflict, everything that kept him up at night.


	8. Chapter 8

            Natasha was suffering. She’d been in Clint’s apartment for a little over a year. She’d gone a year without seeing her friend. They’d talked over the phone a few times and Clint made sure to text her during holidays, but the communication faded. Clint was busy with his work and Natasha returned to her company to dance. It seemed like they’d naturally moved on, but in reality they hadn’t. There wasn’t a day Natasha didn’t think about Clint and vice versa. Clint had kept the portrait he’d done of her and every so often would make changes. It was never good enough and soon he was starting to feel like he’d forgotten what she’d looked like, the portrait had been edited so much. Natasha frequently had breakfast in the back room and spent her mornings looking over his mural. It seemed everyday she found a new little detail she hadn’t noticed before.

            It was overwhelming how much she missed him. It got to the point where she pulled up his number multiple times to call but never did. It wasn’t until one March night did she finally let the call go through without hanging up.

            “Hey, Nat, it’s been a long time.” Clint’s heart soared when he saw it was her number calling. “How are you?”

            “Good, uh yeah it’s been a really long time.” Natasha felt like the world turned upside down when she heard his voice again. “Are you busy?”

            “No, not at all, I can talk for a bit.” Clint had just finished dinner at his loft and was sitting down with Lucky by his side.

            “Okay…good.” Natasha felt her voice fade.

            “Is there anything you wanted to talk about?” Clint prompted. He could tell something was on her mind.

            “I just…” Natasha’s eyes started to tear up. “I just really miss you.” She said quietly.

            Clint looked down and stared at the floor. “I really miss you too, Nat.” He replied. “California’s nice but life isn’t the same without you. I feel like you were a bigger part of my life than I realized…took me moving across the country to realize that.”

            “You’re a huge part of my life, and I can’t stand being away from you anymore.” Natasha couldn’t help the tears from falling down her cheeks. “I know it’s stupid and you can just ignore all of this. I’m just emotional.”

            “No, don’t apologize.” Clint shook his head and took a deep breath. “I’m not happy here.” He finally admitted out loud for the first time.

            “What? I thought you were…you like the job right? It’s warm out there, no snow…”

            “I couldn’t care less about those things. Nat, I’m not happy because you’re not in my life. I miss you and it doesn’t matter where I am, I think I’d be happy anywhere as long as I knew you were in the same place.”

            Natasha started to cry and clung to the phone tightly like it was a lifeline. “Then come home.” She begged like she’d always imagined she would. But she always thought it was hopeless to even try to ask him back.

            Clint didn’t brush the thought aside. He seriously considered it because he had been for the last few weeks. “I wouldn’t have a place to live…”

            “Of course you do, I have your apartment still.” Natasha reminded him. “Just come back, I’ll move out…”

            “No, you don’t have to move out. I’ll…I’ll come home.”

 

            Natasha waited outside the airport gate a week after the conversation on the phone. She was anxiously searching through the crowd of passengers for the only person she cared about so deeply. Finally, Clint, holding Lucky’s leash, appeared into view. Natasha smiled and ran to hug him.

            Clint grinned and hugged her back tightly. “I’m so glad you called.” He whispered and drew back a bit to look at her.

            “I’m glad I did too.” She replied.

            Clint looked into the green eyes he’d missed so much and took advantage of the opportunity he’d passed up before. He kissed her.

 


	9. Chapter 9

            Lucky woke up in his old apartment. He’d had a fun time at the airport, sniffing all the different people who passed by him, and then getting to see the redhead he liked. He got to go back to his old home and was happy to find it hadn’t changed much, his dent in the couch was still there and still comfortable. Natasha came home with Clint. Lucky sat on the couch between Clint and Nat as they ate takeout and talked. The lab didn’t care what they were talking about; he was more interested in the Thai food they were eating. Eventually, Clint gave Lucky a treat and he and Natasha went to bed. Lucky followed them into the bedroom and jumped up onto the bed. He fell asleep to Natasha scratching behind his ears.

            Lucky woke Clint up the very next morning by licking his cheek and pawing at the comforter. “Alright, alright. Luck, I’m up.” Clint grumbled and shooed the lab away. He was a little disoriented to find himself in his old apartment. He glanced to the side and saw the other side of the bed had been slept in, but it was empty. For a moment, Clint wondered if everything from the night before was real. He got up and walked to the kitchen. That’s when he realized it wasn’t a dream. Natasha was in the kitchen, toasting a bagel.

            Clint loved simple things and seeing her in sweatpants, wearing a tee shirt, and was softly humming. He walked over and reached over to wrap his arms around her waist.

            Natasha jumped a little bit, not realizing he was in the kitchen. She laughed softly and leaned back into his chest. “Good morning.” She said.

            “’Morning, did you sleep alright?” He asked resting his chin on her shoulder.

            Natasha nodded. “It was nice having someone around.” She shrugged. “I haven’t had someone sleep in my bed in a long time.”

            “You didn’t decide to try to date when I was gone?” Clint asked curiously.

            “No, I was busy.” Natasha lied. Yes, she was working and had a busy social life with good friends. But she just never got the nerve to even think about men. After Clint had left, with fresh wounds, Natasha went to an appointment at the hospital. She was so torn up and confused about her feelings with Clint, which she had tried to make herself forget him. She’d attempted to flirt with her doctor, Steve, but it fell flat when he told her he was happy with his boyfriend. Natasha confided in him about Clint, she’d known Steve for a long time through the transplant recovery. Steve had suggested she call Clint but she didn’t until months later. She wished she had taken his advice sooner. “What about you?” Natasha couldn’t help but picture a pretty blonde, confident businesswoman asking Clint out. It made her extremely jealous even if she was making it up.

            “Yeah, same…just too busy.” Clint of course, was also lying. He had another design artist at the company ask him out to drinks, but he couldn’t seem to get the image of Natasha out of his head. He had no interest in other women; he was only interested in the red head who was across the country. Now, being with Natasha, he felt like all of the conflicted thoughts were resolved. He’d come to peace with losing Bobbi, not entirely, but enough so that he believed she would want him to be happy. Bobbi would’ve loved Natasha; she always gravitated towards kindhearted people. And to Clint, Natasha was one of the nicest people he’d ever met.

            “Hungry?” Natasha interrupted his thoughts for a moment.

            “Not really, I’m still kind of jetlagged.” Clint said. “I should stay awake though, I think I might paint for a bit.” He found a renewed sense of creativity being in his old place and having Natasha around.

            She smiled and nodded. “Alright, I’ll be in there in a minute, I’m just waiting for this to toast.” She said.

            Clint kissed her cheek, testing out the small but new details of intimacy between them. She blushed and made him smile. He pulled away and went to get his paints and brushes from his bag. He went to the greenroom and sighed. He could still remember every single detail even a year of being gone. He found the section he’d left off at and continued like he hadn’t gone to California at all.

            A little bit later, Natasha walked in with her breakfast, and an extra bagel just in case Clint got hungry. She sat at the little breakfast nook she’d come to love and watched. She’d seen Clint draw and sketch before but she’d never seen him work on the mural. It was mesmerizing to watch his entire body paint. His arm swept far and wide with larger portions, and then reined in when he was concentrating on smaller details. He crouched down on the balls of his feet, his face mere inches from his work. It was like he was in a vacuum of time and space; it was beautiful to see him in his true state of being. She felt like she could watch him for hours if given the chance.


	10. Chapter 10

  
            “When can I come see you dance?” Clint asked one day as Natasha was going off to a morning practice. She'd been rehearsing with her company for a new production. But she'd been keeping quiet about it and would only shyly answer a few of Clint's questions when he asked about the ballet.   
            Natasha shrugged as she threw a sweatshirt over her black leotard and pulled on a pair of leggings to cover her tights. “I dunno…you really want to come watch? It can be a little boring especially to people who aren't really frequent theater goers.” She admitted.  
            “I highly doubt that. I bet it's pretty interesting.” Clint shook his head. “C’mon, you see all my art.” He pointed out and walked up to her. He helped her pack her pointe shoes and a water bottle into her bag. It was just another routine of theirs that they’d gotten used to over the last few weeks. He had been feeling like it was his only connection to her life as a ballerina, 'the bag packer'.  
            Natasha sighed. “I hate when you’re right.” She complained playfully. “Fine, you can come watch for a little bit.” She gave in. “But they’re going to kick you out if they catch you. It’s a closed rehearsal.”  
            “I wouldn’t mind a little rebellion today.” Clint smiled. "Alright, let’s go. I'm excited to watch.” He held out a hand to her.  
   
            Natasha snuck Clint through the backstage area and brought him into a dressing room. She was careful to be quiet as she shut the door. She was more nervous about Clint watching her dance for the first time. Natasha quickly went to take off her sweatshirt so she could get out on stage and get the embarrassment over with. She sat down and dug into her bag to tie her pointe shoes. “Don’t blame me if you get caught.” She warned shakily.   
            “No don’t worry, it’s my choice.” Clint shrugged. “I just want to see you dance, that’s all.”  
            “You’re silly.” Natasha stood up and kissed his cheek. “I need to stretch, I’ll bring you out to the seats, sit up on the balcony.” She instructed. “Don’t make a sound.”  
            “Yes ma’am.” Clint nodded and followed her through the back halls of the theater. She led him to the balcony seats and left quickly before the other women came in. Clint watched, leaning his elbows over the railing of the balcony. Natasha was easy to spot with her red hair among the other ballerinas. They stretched and warmed up for a while before Clint realized the exact feelings the painter, Degas, did. Natasha was beautiful as she danced elegantly across the stage.  
            It was like she never had the heart failure before in her life. She seemed so strong and confident as she danced.  
            Clint cursed himself for not bringing his sketchbook. Even though she was moving swiftly, he wanted to capture at least a fraction of her beauty. He knew some essence of her dancing would make it into his mural. Seeing her in her natural state was now a part of his life. Natasha was his life.  
  
            Two hours later, Natasha had a break and subtly motioned for Clint to follow her back outside to the sidewalk. She held her water bottle tightly as she waited for him. Finally, Clint made his way out the front entrance and smiled when he saw her.   
           "So?" Natasha asked for the verdict. She was scared that he didn't think she was good enough or that the other dancers were better.   
           Clint just shook his head. He reached out to kiss her deeply. When he pulled away he looked into her eyes. "You're so beautiful." He whispered. "I wish you saw what I saw. You need to feel as beautiful as I see you because...you're gorgeous."   
            Natasha blushed and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're just being flattering." She accused.   
           "I'm being honest. I am definitely crashing your practices more often." Clint chuckled. "You're so beautiful." He said again and kissed her one more time.   
 


End file.
